Thursday, 29 September 2011

I promise I will not sext you while wearing crocs...

Yes I'm getting old and even though I swore I'd age gracefully, there's nothing graceful about sagging jowls, droopy boobs, 'stocking' knees and wrinkles. The creases in my face are getting so bad Emma pulled out her toy iron last night and asked if she could 'do' my face.

But age has its pros, including wisdom, street smarts and a whole lot of lessons learned. Here are my most recent epiphanies:

The colour on the DIY colour shampoo box never comes out the way you hoped

Blondes don't necessarily have more fun

There isn't a serum in the world that will make your boobs bigger or perkier. Men, the same applies to your penis

No matter what the advert in the magazine tells you you're never going to look like THOSE girls

Whilst telling people what a wonderful tantrum-free tot you have, he / she will proceed to throw the tyrannosaurus-rex of all tantrums

Men lie about their age and the number of people they've slept with. You can usually divide their sex partners by 3

Women lie about their age and the number of people they've slept with. You can usually multiply their sex partners by 3

Everyone lies about how much TV they watch in their house

As soon as you put a clean nappy on your child he / she will poo / wee in aforementioned nappy. It's as if they know how much these modern day loin-cloths cost

The gym equipment you had just had to have because you'd exercise is being used as a rather expensive clothes rack

Crocs do not look good on anyone except kiddies, chefs and gardeners

Anyone over the age of six should not wear dungarees. Especially not ones with ducks on

No matter how much you spend on gifts for your treasured tot he / she will prefer to play with the packaging it comes in

Most men, in an intimate moment, will confess that he would like his penis to be bigger. However around a braai with friends that same man will claim to be hung like a woolly mammoth

Women on the other hand would prefer bigger / smaller boobs. I've never ever heard a woman say (or at least not to me) "Ooooooh I wish I had a huge vagina..."

No matter how well you plan your wedding, your funeral or your child's party it WILL rain on YOUR day

A year at creche costs the same as my four year varsity degree cost my folks

No matter what age you are it's still fun to ask the company's receptionist to call 'Mike Hunt' over the PA system

There is no sound as magical as a child laughing

I am turning into my mother. Even though I swore I wouldn't

Sometimes it's good to look at the world through a child's eyes

Kindness wins hands down, every time

I need to spend quality time with Emma while she still thinks I'm supermom and before she's spending quality time with her therapist

I wasted a shit load of money on contraceptives, which I clearly didn't need

You have to kiss a few toads BEFORE you find your prince

Child-proof products are actually adult-proof

Puddles are meant to be jumped in

There is always ONE dish in the sink

The love of your (young) life never leaves you for the person you think he's going to leave you for

Contrary to what they say, men will not die from too little / no sex


  1. Yep all those years of worrying about falling pregnant when I could have been having so much fun. Yes I have a child but lets just say we could have kept trying by ourselves to the end of time and nothing would have happened. Love your blog and I agree about the crocs. Croc high heels well there are no words:0

  2. Croc high heels? Surely you jest?

    The amount of money I spent on the pill, the morning after pill and pregnancy tests, I could own a small island by now xxx

  3. BWAHAHAHA at the big vagina - really that made me laugh!

    I can not actually open a bucket of chlorine - no matter how I pull, twist, push, stick a knife in it - it will not open. My 7 year old on the other hand gets it every time *sigh*

  4. took my husband forever to learn to open the toddler safety gate. Emma had it waxed after a few hours xxx so now when we don't want him in the room with us we just lock the gate :)

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