A comedy of errors....

In the movie Forrest Gump, Forrest says that life is like a box of chocolates because you never know what you're going to get (inside). A box of chocolates would be a pleasure compared to my life at times. What he should have said was that life is like a used diaper because you never know what you're going to get inside, or even better, life is a like a toddler projectile vomiting because you never know when or at what angle it's going to hit...

My life is like a comedy of errors. Seriously. I couldn't make some of the stuff up. Thankfully I've developed a thick skin and a sense of humour.

Just last week I was telling my senior manager about the events from Wednesday night and my dear friend Jean told me I talk crap (in a nice way). Both my manager and I said that there's no way I could make it up. Not in a million years.

Take a few days back. I had popped into the Spar to get some cigarettes, boxed cappucinos and something else, oh yes, dust (my lunch). Walking back to my car I was checking smses, messages, facebook and twitter as well as trying to put things back into my wallet. So pre-occupied was I with all of this I didn't really look where I was walking. I pressed the remote, heard my car unlock, jumped into the driver's seat and was just about to start the engine when I saw a figure to the left of me.

Now I watch The Haunted and Haunting and I believe in the paranormal. Without looking to the the side the 'ghost' was seated I looked around the floor to see if I had a bottle of Valpre that I could use as makeshift holy water and sprinkle on the lost soul...as I looked at the floor near my feet, I noticed a Toyota mat. Hang on a second, I thought, I don't drive a Toyota. Still hunched over I peered at the 'ghost', which was now looking back at me in his brown pants and white shirt. "Oh crap!" I exclaimed realizing I had gotten into the wrong car...

That's how my life is. Sometimes a comedy, sometimes a little tragic. But never dull.Like the time I pulled out a text book to read an extract to a class of 1st year varsity students, and a sanitary pad (with wings) was stuck to the back. Or the time I lost my knickers in a cinema. I'm not even talking about the time I tucked the back of my school dress into my stockings and walked around a lecture hall. Oh and there's the time I asked my hairdresser to cut my hair like Twisted Sister as opposed to Swing Out Sister...

Wednesday night was one of those nights. From the time I got home to the time I went to bed.

I had been chewing gum the whole day (horrid habit I know) and while on the loo I thought I would put it into a piece of toilet paper and then throw it out. In between being bullied around by a toddler and wiping my drippy bits, I had forgotten that the gum was still in the tissue paper, which I had in my hand. As I started doing the 'paperwork' I realized this too late and ended up with chewing gum in my you-know-what hair. Making my way down to kitchen like a bow-legged cowboy I found some ice and proceeded to freeze the gum so that I could pull it out. Retelling this to Jean and my manager, their reactions were mixed. Jean was more horrified at the thought that I had hair 'down there' and Manager-guy couldn't understand why I hadn't just used scissors to remove the gum...

A little while later I was giving Emma her bath and Basco, our little Chinese Crested Powder Puff was in the bathroom with us. While he lay there listening to Emma singing her bath-time songs  noticed he had a little bit of an erection. I didn't take too much notice and soon bath-time was over. An hour or so later Mark commented that Basco had a 'lipstick' to which I replied I had noticed it a while back already. Mark immediately went into 'vet' mode to see if he could 'help' Basco out. Sitting opposite him in the lounge I noticed his hand going up and down, up and down, quite quickly. "Angel, are you jerking the dog off?" I asked. "I'm just helping him out!" says Mark. "Oh in that case it's okay then THAT YOU'RE MASTURBATING OUR DOG!!!!"

A few minutes later Basco was still erect so Mark asked me if I could help. "No, I don't think so" I say. "But this is weird for me, he's my son and it's man on man action" replied my dear sweet husband. "And you don't think what you're doing to the dog is weird?" Empathizing with the dog, Mark figured he must be quite uncomfortable so he called the emergency vet in Bryanston for some advice. At this point I had to leave the room because I had the giggles, but I could still hear the conversation, which went something like this:

Mark: Hi there, yes, I'm hoping you can help. My dog has had an erection for a while now and the skin around his er, um, er...

Vet:........

Mark: Yes, his penis. Well it seems to be stuck now and it's drying out

Vet: .........

Mark: No we don't have any KY Jelly in the house

Vet: ..........

Mark: Yes, we have other lubricants

Vet: .............

Mark: Okay, I'll do that. But you say I mustn't use the minty one

Vet: .............



By this time, I was on the floor, doubled over, about to pee in my pants. Oh how I wish I had recorded that conversation. Anyway, next thing Mark scoops Basco up in his arms and takes him upstairs, to our bedroom?!?!? to give the pooch the best hand job of his life. A few minutes later they returned downstairs, Basco sans erection with a post-coital glow and Mark looking a little sheepish.

As if that wasn't enough Mark made ANOTHER call to the same vet about another one of our dogs who was suddenly limping. Mark started that conversation off with "Hi, sorry it's me again. I phoned earlier about an erection I couldn't sort out...."