We are looking for a Mom. The successful applicant will be able to guide, manage, love, educate, care for and raise the (little) people under her supervision.
Major areas of responsibility include EVERYTHING...
Primary objectives include amongst other things:
develop and promote good manners, morals and values of which you can be proud
to develop a well balanced functioning member of society
Specific responsibilities of the job
As mentioned before...EVERYTHING to do with, pertaining to and including aforementioned human being
Broad knowledge and experience in...everything, really. What you don't know you will be required to learn on the job, while operating in a highly pressurized and stressful environment
You will need to display empathy, compassion and sympathy at all times, regardless of what is thrown at you. Literally and figuratively. If you're unsure of what we mean by this you will find out soon enough
As much as this is a managerial position you will be reporting to people half your size and less than a third of your age. They have no knowledge or experience of anything, yet they will tell you what to do, when to do it and how to do it. They are opinionated and rude a lot of the time and will always claim to know better
There is a strong possibility of abuse, physical and emotional. They will use bribery and corruption, as well as emotional blackmail in order to get you, the manager, to do what they want
You will need to be able to fill the role of any of the following listed below. You will be required to perform any of these roles at any given time and often simultaneously:
Life coach and / or therapist
nurse / medic
ad agency executive - in order to 'sell' the idea of vegetables, bath time, nail cutting, hair washing, school, doctors, dentists, bedtime, etc
negotiator - this is an essential role, especially when you have two or more children in your care. Of course you will also be required to negotiate sensitive issues such as eating vegetables, having a bath, going to the dentist, etc
chef / cook
IT specialist - this is necessary to figure out how to work most of the gizmos and gadgets you have purchased for your children during the aforementioned negotiations
architect - again this is a necessary skill when building lego blocks or any toys acquired for your children
referee - again this will be a useful skill when you have two or more children in the house or if you go any where in public
singer, songwriter, poet - a skill that will assist during negotiations, while refereeing, while life coaching and in order to entertain
translator - essential when children haven't yet mastered language. You will need to understand 'ugh', huh' and hugh'
comedian - this is not necessary but it will ensure you get through very long days and longer nights
spin doctor - necessary when you're explaining things like death and the birds and the bees
private investigator and / or mind reader - this will come in handy when child has lost favourite toy, your car keys, cellphone, contraceptives
Please note these are the most obvious skills required. There will be situations that arise when you least expect it so we suggest you have the skill to expect the unexpected at all times
This is a full time position with no leave, no sick days, no time off
There are no bonuses, performance or otherwise. In fact, there is no pay
This is a long long term contract, regardless of your performance. Your only out is death...
This position does not ask a lot of you. It asks EVERYTHING of you. Your heart. Your soul. Your sanity
We strongly recommend that the applicant have the patience of Mother Teresa, the strength of Braveheart and the homemaking skills of Mary Poppins. Scaredy cats need not apply