Thursday, 5 April 2012

Forgive me cos I don't always know what I'm doing

People say parenting is hard. Hard? Let me tell you what's hard. Finding a G-string that's comfortable is hard. Trying to pick your nose without others seeing is hard. Sticking to a monthly budget is hard. Been a kamikaze pilot is hard. Not getting angry in traffic is hard. Finding a bra in a size 36B is hard. Playing Draw Something is hard. But been a parent is not hard. Been a parent is impossibly incomprehensibly beyond the realms of human understanding HARD!

You need the balls of a sperm whale, the tenacity of a bull terrier, shoulders the size of a rottweiler and the thick skin of a crocodile. You need perseverance, confidence and compassion. You need patience, understanding and calm. A sense of humour and composure will make the day slightly more bearable and give you the strength to face another one.  Humility, enthusiasm, restraint, courage, motivation, passion, wit, a can-do attitude, a taking-no prisoners-stance and nerves of steel will make you feel better - and this is on a good day.

Emma and I have been going through a tough time at the moment. Her behaviour is apparently age appropriate, discovering her new found will, the power of the word 'no', pushing her boundaries and pushing my buttons. Throw in a healthy dose of sulking, foot stamping, ignoring and screeching and you have a fairly normal day in the Connor household.


I find myself sounding like a fishwife, lashing out and shouting at her - things I promised myself I'd never do. I constantly doubt my parenting skills and the ability to be a good role model on a daily basis. I go to bed every night wishing I had been a bit more calm, a bit more patient, just a little nicer. I wake up in the morning, grateful for a fresh start and a do-over.


I'm left wondering whether I'm ruining my relationship with Emma and I stress over the damage I might be doing to her. I go through most days feeling incredibly guilty as a mother and an adoptive parent.


Since Ben's arrival there are days that are particularly horrible. I know it's my crap and I know I'm tired but I rant and rave like a lunatic. I also expect a not even three old little girl to act grown up. Just yesterday i found my self wondering whether I should have become a parent, Whether I'm good enough for this incredibly difficult task. Perhaps God in his infinite wisdom rendered me infertile for a reason.


Emma on any day of the week is a blessing and at her absolute worst she's better than my best. I hate that I lose my temper with her. I'm disappointed in myself when I react harshly. I find myself feeling incredibly sad when I don't get through a day without raising my voice. Especially given how much I wanted Emma and how loved she is. I don't want her to ever feel, because of my actions, less than or not enough of.


As I stumble and fall I can only hope that Emma's love remains unconditional and her  heart forgiving. I pray that on this journey with her she'll tell me it's okay - that my best is good enough x


PS - After writing this post I had the most amazing session with Rosemary Clark, Astro Coach and human being extraordinaire at Moemas in Parkhurst. She has made me realise that my best is good enough...but more on that soon xxx

7 comments:

  1. Hey mama! We all have those days and those doubts. There are plenty nights I go to bed wishing I had been more patient, more kind, less shouty, less huffy.
    Be kind to yourself!!

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  2. This post could SOOOOO have been written by me about 13 years ago! I have one strong-willed daughter and I am not the most patient mama in the world.... trust me, parenting my Paula between the ages of 3 and 6 was challenging to say the least! It was especially confusing and upsetting to me as my elder daughter had been far more meek and gentle and I was constantly asking myself "does this child hate me?" "What am I doing wrong with her?"

    In my experience it gets better, but there will still be bad stages here and there.

    What I know for certain is that if you are parenting from a place of love your relationship will end up being wonderful and you will get to a point where you can look back on the bad times from a better perspective. Paula and I still have our blow-ups but we LOVE each other so much and our relationship is such a blessing to both of us.

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  3. I think you are an awesome mummy! Parenting is the hardest job in the world and it is even harder when you are physically exhausted. Your best is more than good enough and the fact that you worry about it already makes you a great parent.

    I think we adoptive parents tend to doubt ourselves even more but I believe we wouldn't have been given our children if they were not meant to be with us.

    I think Frank Sinatra was singing about parenthood when he sang "So take a deep breath, pick yourself off, dust yourself off, and start all over again."

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  4. I remember discovering the truth of the word exhausted! 6 weeks of not sleeping nights with Daughter 1. Will never use that word unless I am really that tired again. Patenting is the hardest job I have ever had. My partner says I earn his entire salary every month since that is what he would pay me to look after his kids. :)

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  5. AMEN TO THIS!
    I am in the same boat with two toddlers who find new and exciting ways EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY to drive me crazy. I feel guilty for shouting and smacking and being Momzilla. I can't say it gets better just yet. Because it HASNT gotten better.. haha. Apparently it does. Eventually. Lol!

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  6. Oh my darling, your best is always good enough. It is the toughest job in the world.

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  7. I feel the same most days. I hate that I have to raise my voice. Apparently with boys you need to physically touch them to get their attention. Just some days I find myself raising my voice before I've even thought of touching him.

    I'm sure our best is good enough. We aren't alone in this world - though it sure feels like it some days!

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