What REALLY to expect when expecting

There is a secret society that mothers belong to. Expecting moms don't yet qualify and those that don't plan on having children anytime soon, well don't even bother applying. As a woman who swapped a Blackberry for a black baby I don't qualify for membership either. It's an exclusive club and you only get to join when you have paid the price with your vagina, your nipples and your womb. 


Imagine if you will, a gaggle of women, dancing around a cauldron, with dried up umbilical cords for necklaces and  and mucous plugs for earrings, swearing to poo-poo the yucky stuff and not ever, never, ever-never discuss things like stray hairs, big feet and piles. Their secrecy is questionable but their motives noble. Should women ever find out the real truths behind pregnancy (and what happens after) we would not procreate and the species as we know it would soon die out.


Sure, once someone confirms with you that they are indeed pregnant (I've been known to ask non-pregnant women how far they are) you chat about all the superficial things. You ask when they're due. You enquire as to the sex of the baby. You want to know if they've thought of names and you ooh and aah as they tell you their choices - Apple Tiger, Drowning Rat (if it's a girl) or KungFu HamSandwich (if it's a boy). Soon these parents will be wishing their offsprings' names are the only weird things about to happen in their lives. No-one mentions the time they pooped themselves on the delivery table and you never say "Ooooh I love what you've done with your hair...on your face!"

Because I have never been pregnant myself (except for a few weeks) I asked Google questions like "what's the most horrible things that happens to you while pregnant" and "what's the real 411 on being knocked up" and of course "what are the grossest things that happen while pregnant". I read through a few and still felt not all was being revealed but I think I've put a fairly good list together. Let me know what you think, moms? If you're allowed : )


So apparently your feet get bigger and you're no longer Cinderella but rather one of the ugly stepsisters. It's nature's way of letting you know that because you won't be going out very often any more your Jimmy Choo's won't be needed and you can haul out those crocs.

Things swell and stretch and they also pop...your navel pops out and looks like a cheerio, piles pop out and look like...piles


You also lose your mind, which people politely refer to as 'porridge brain'. Yes, you get stupid and forgetful, but again it is MN taking care of the species...if you remembered all the changes your body was going through you'd never do it again, so VIVA, PORRIDGE BRAIN, VIVA!


You lose your hair (on your head) but it grows everywhere else. And we thought Mother Nature didn't have a sense of humour. Mother Nature is not only funny, she is generous too. She provides little 'pots' or moles in which these new hairs can grow and flourish and become conversation pieces

A dark pigment line runs down your belly  from your cheerio, I mean belly button, to your you-know-what. This could serve a few purposes. You might not be able to see your vajayjay anymore, so the line helps you out. OR if this is your second or third pregnancy chances are your vajayjay no longer resembles a vajayjay so the line is almost like a tracking system...follow the line and at the end X marks the spot (or a big mole with a hair in it)
You snore, you sweat and you fart. A lot. In other words you turn into a man. This, thankfully, is reversible


Your eyesight is affected. Some women's eyesight may deteriorate while pregnant. Thankfully. If you saw yourself with a beard, moles and pigmentation during your pregnancy the nausea would probably last a lot longer


Some women shrink. Okay, not really! But because they're no longer wearing their killer heels and they've swelled up considerably it looks as though they've gotten shorter


Your boobs become loaded weapons. Should anyone piss on your parade, just squirt them in the eye with some of your mama's milk and declare "no use crying over it now"


As if pushing a watermelon out of a hole the size of a golf ball wasn't bad enough, MN prepares you for the birth with a dose of constipation and 'roids...if you can push a poo out while pregnant you'll definitely be able to push out a human being...


These are a some of the things to look forward to while pregnant that very few women will openly discuss over tea and cupcakes.

Would I put myself through all of this in order to be a mom. HECK YES!!!!