At seven my life changed forever. I was sexually abused. I could have
told someone but I chose not to. I chose to protect my mom, my dad, my
family.
I think I prayed that someone would pick up on any signs but way back
then it wasn't discussed too much and people weren't aware.
I'm still not brave enough to go into too much detail of the how, the
when, the what and the who but I can tell you it lasted for ten years
and it happened regularly, at least three to four times a week. I can
also tell you it forever changed the person I am. I often wonder who the
Melinda would be if it hadn't happened. But it did and this is me.
In my years of therapy I've had mixed responses. I've gotten sympathy
and empathy but I've also been 'accused' of liking it. After all I let
it go on for so long.
It goes without saying that I am over sensitive and aware of the ever
present danger of it happening to Emma. To the extent of being paranoid.
I am over aware of how I give Emma a bath and when it comes to cleaning her little girl bits I invariably let her do it. After all an abused person
becomes an abuser, don't they?
And so recently when she started complaining about her 'front bum' being
sore my mind went into over drive. I did consider thrush, chafing or an
infection and I even asked a fellow mom and friend about the possible causes of a
sore 'front bum'. Her and Mark's explanation of what could possibly be
wrong put my mind at ease. For a short while.
Until her principal mentioned changes in Emma's behaviour at school.
From an always easy going child she has become aggressive, hitting out
at friends and teachers, throwing temper tantrums and being very
emotional. She (the principal) suggested that maybe Emma's not getting
enough 'mommy time' or that Ben is possibly getting a lot more of our
attention. I'm not sure about this. Mark and I have been very aware of
making sure Emma doesn't feel left out. We smother her with love and
kisses and the day ends with cuddle time in our bed.
I've decided to take Emma to our paed. I'm imagining the worst and praying that I'm over reacting.
Am I over reacting?
I had no idea Melinda, non what so ever. No you are not over reacting. You are being a great mom. Rather find out what is happening and let it turn out to be thrush than not doing anything and finding out the worst.
ReplyDeleteI have a new found respect and admiration for you. You truly are my mommy hero!
By the way ....That was me ....Taryn :)
DeleteWhen my sister bathed my niece and would rub cream on her, she would always ask permission and taught her that no one is allowed to touch her unless she says so. Sorry to hear that Emma is not herself. But trust your gut! Always. X
ReplyDeleteNo you are not over-reacting!!!! I'm a product of abuse too. My biological father, in fact! I too am very paranoid when it comes to my child! So sorry for what you went through. It sickens me that somenone can sit there and tell you how maybe it's your fault or that you liked it. WTF! You were 7!!! Adults are suppose to protect us not harm us! I only recently decided to write some of my own experience. It did feel slightly better, getting out there, but it also opened that wound so badly.........
ReplyDelete(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))
Oh sweetie, so sorry for what you went through. I let the Princess wash herself and from very early I tought her that everything that your swimming costume cover is your private area. No one else has to touch it, apart from when you ask mommy (liek at the doctor) and she says it's ok. (I do trust myself at least). I also put a lot of stress on the fact that she can tell me all her secrets and I will not tell anyone else. Hence I know a boy kissed her last week - she said it was jeggy. I think these items are key. We also have a very cute little book -Cheeky (http://www.kalahari.com/books/Cheeky/632/41240162.aspx#) for teaching kids what privacy is. Very cool - do get it.
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing the right thing to take her to the doctor, but just two things though - behaviour might change because she has a new sibling - and for many other reasons. Although we give as much love as possible it still rocks their world. Regression is not uncommon. Agression is certainly possible. We had it with the Princess no matter how we tried to show her how loved she was - remmeber that the all over attention at home gets halved, maybe even more. But yes, there were two new babies. And no2 - she all of a sudden a few years ago go all sore and itchy - the doc tested for thrush and urine infection and it was none of them. Also no evidence of anything wrong - much to my reflief - I was so stressed. She explained that it could just be dryness - some girls have less estrogen than needed (especially very slim ones that eat healthy home made food - fast food sometimes have some in!) and prescibed Premarin cream nogals. It worked - just a bit now and again. She still gets it today (and I am 100% sure nothing wrong is going on anywhere) every 4 months or so and then 2 or 3 bits of Premarin does the job.
Lots of love
OMG! Melinda, I'm so sorry for what you have been through! No child should have to ever deal with that! And no, you are not overreacting! Child molestation is a very real threat in our society today and something I worry about constantly! Its something I only really began to understand fully when I became a mother myself. I will never allow Ava to stay with anyone I don't know very very well and I'm always worried about stuff like that!
ReplyDeletePlease let us know what the pead says!
Thank you for sharing such a private part of your life with us Mel. I also have been there, and yes it lasted for years. I blocked it till my pnd experience. I got anxiety stricken when I had to bath my son, I still don't like to. Weird cos no normal mind should even think that, but we've had a lot to endure, and that there will always stay with us. I'm praying pretty hard for Emma, that this here is just nothing really, because I know the pain and I wouldn't want anyone to go through that.
ReplyDeleteI could tell you to be positive, to not think the worst, but I'm a mom, a mom who'se been through abuse. I would act exactly the way you are. Just know we are here for you guys.
I emailed you, my friend. Want to call you and offer advice, as per email and you know why.
ReplyDeleteYou're a brave, aware mama. Thank you for being that mama. X
No you are not over re-acting. You are being a responsible mother who understands (unfortunately in the worst possible way) that there might be more to the story than everyone else see's. I pray to God that you are wrong and that this is nothing more than a severe case of the thrush.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you had to go through abuse Mel. It takes an extremely strong woman to overcome and be victorious over that circumstance. It was NEVER your fault - ALWAYS remember that.
xxx
You know your child and extra special care should never be overlooked as over reaction. Thinking of you guys and praying for a good outcome. x
ReplyDeleteI hope you are overreacting...
ReplyDeleteAlways have it checked out!
Having been through it myself as well, i think you are not overreacting and something is u (i'm also a licensed counselor who works with kids). I think this (esp including the change in behavior) is something that can't be ignored and i would do more than just see the pediatrician. I think seeing a counselor to give your child time to disclose information should there be something to disclose.
ReplyDeletePlease accept my empathy and sympathy for what you have endured. And shame on anyone who accused you of liking it - those are the words of an abuser!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this experience - that is an incredibly brave thing to do and so helpful for other people who have suffered a similar experience or for parents to help us know what to look out for in protecting our children.
I certainly don't think you are over-reacting. You are seeing signs that are ringing alarm bells. They look like the same signs that you wished someone had picked up on when you were little. But I do hope and pray that these are simply signs that Emma has a bad case of thrush and normal behavioural responses to a new sibling.
(If it is thrush, one of my sisters had/has chronic thrush since she was little and as a child could not bath or use bubble bath or anything like that because it made it worse. She still only showers. She also washes her underwear with pure sunlight soap because any perfumed detergents or fabric softeners also aggravate her thrush. She also takes a probiotic every day to help restore the natural balance of flora in her body.)