I have many. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of dying too young or too old. I'm afraid of outliving my husband and my children. I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared of spiders and frogs and scared of where my mind sometimes takes me.
And as I pondered what my greatest fear really is, I carried on with my weekday routine. I got Emma and Ben bathed, dished up their dinner and we sang a few songs together. Ok, they sang. I Milli Vanillied my way through the nursery rhymes (another fear of mine is singing out loud around people).
I put Ben to bed and then Emma and I sat down together. I was prepping for a work day tomorrow and she busied herself with drawing and cutting out her pictures.
Out of the blue she said "you know mom, you didn't ask me how my day was today." Somehow in the madness of them getting home from school, taking work calls and trying to finish up things I could have sworn I had asked, but I knew it wasn't worth arguing. Not with a five year old.
"I'm so sorry Ems. How was your day?" And that was it. My simple question launched a thousand thoughts and conversations.
"Did you know that M's mommy is having a baby soon?" And my other friend , H, his mom is also having a baby. And teacher R and teacher S."
"You know my friend D? He is the funniest boy at school. Do you know him mom? Well he wasn't at school at today!"
"Why not? Where was he? Is he sick?"
"No. I think he turned six so he's at big school now. And I think he's on holiday. I think I need a holiday."
"Why are you tired?"
"I'm so tired mom. And my friends just want to play running races. And I'm tired of running races. Today I asked them if we couldn't do walking races!"
And so it went on and on and on. And I found myself smiling. There we were, my daughter and I, chatting, catching up, shooting the breeze. And I suddenly realised what biggest fear is.
That Emma turns into me one day. That she becomes the closed book I am. I'm great at surface type conversations but let my family ask me about me, my day to day stuff or the important stuff, and I shut down. Literally. Figuratively. I get irritated that they're prying. I get angry that they dare cross my imaginary line of what they should and shouldn't ask, what they think they shouldn't and should know.
My greatest fear is that Emma shuts down on me. That my questions are seen as interfering and my interest in her day to day things are considered nosy.
This, I realised today, is my greatest fear.
Oh how I love her conversation with you. "Today I asked them if we could do walking races" I mean, she is just a little fire cracker, so full of life.
ReplyDeleteThat's all because of the way she has been nurtured by her mom. I believe that as long as you never stop listening to her, she'll never shut you out...
xxx