It turns out I'm not completely doolally

One of my very first posts was about the 'play therapy' I get spending time with Emma. And the good news is that it seems to be working when it comes to my depression.

I'm certainly no expert when it comes to matters of the grey (matter) but I've lived with it long enough. I've been in therapy pretty much of my adult life. In fact, my very first money earned as an 18 year old was spent on a psychologist and since then it's been a way of life for me.

My psychiatrist and I go way back. He's treated me since 2005 after I had had a major meltdown of note and ended up in his care at a clinic. It's been an interesting relationship to say the least, with near hits and lots of misses getting my medication right.

When I saw him a few months back I left feeling despondent and frustrated. In his opinion my depression wasn't due to a chemical imbalance but rather a psychological one and he suggested I get more therapy and work through my issues. He refused to do the frontal lobotomy I requested, telling me they're no longer legal in SA. It's a tough audience in that padded room.

I didn't want to go down the 'tell me about your childhood' and 'how did it make you feel?' road again. I've been there, done that and got the debt to prove it. It would have been better if it was a chemical imbalance. If would be easier to manage in my opinion. a little bit of prozac, some lamictin and seroquel for good measure, and I'd be okayish.

And psychiatrists are better to deal with. There's no emotion, no sympathy. They're there to do a specific job and get uncomfortable with shows of touchy- feely emotions. Unlike some of the therapists I've seen. I've had a few in a crumpled heap, blubbering through MY session, leaving ME feeling guilty and apologetic for telling my story.

But catching up with my doc (cum laude) I realized I'm doing better. There are bad days but I've got to get up and get doing. Emma and Ben don't understand depression and I don't want them to have to. So through thick clouds, or thin, I face the day with a smile. And I get a do-over as far as a childhood goes.

The role of mom has been a healing one for me. I am able to love without conditions and limitations. I am loved for who I am without expectations. I get to be carefree and silly. I'm able to see the innocence of childhood, untainted by the needs and desires of adulthood. By empowering Emma to be assertive and set her own boundaries I am empowering myself in the process.

Emma and Ben are my therapy. And when I mentioned to my doctor, a man of science and logic, that my children have saved me from myself, he agreed. With the slightest tear in his eye.